I’m not one to usually write a blog post on my phone, but I’m already in bed, and I don’t feel like getting up to go to my computer. So, I’ll type this away as my husband snores loudly beside me 😂

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of reviews on movies, shows, and books lately because they’re the easy way out. To be honest, it’s been really hard for me to be fully vulnerable here. I have trusted some of my deepest feelings and thoughts to people I trusted and loved, and who I thought trusted and loved me, and shortly afterwards, they wanted nothing to do with me. I can’t help but feel like my true feelings were betrayed; that they dwell and thrive on my flaws to make them feel better about themselves.

This has happened over a long period of time too, by the way, for those who might be nosy enough to try to figure out who or what I might be talking about. I know some of you get these in your email 😂 you know if you’re the person I’m talking about in this paragraph! (I write this in a joking tone)

Over time, I’ve had people tell me to just “get over it” or that “those people aren’t worth it, they’re not in your life anymore”, and even today, I agreed with someone who’s about to turn 30 that, once you reach this set of decades “you just don’t care” about what anyone says or thinks about you. While that may be true in a lot of cases for me, I feel like these feelings of trying to get over and forget these people and how they made me feel have just harbored within me. So much to the point that it’s stopped me from wanting to be real as I spend my time here, and even writing privately.

So, I’ll say it – I CARE. Maybe that’s still a piece of that people-pleasing within me that still needs to be healed, but I care when I share my feelings with someone, and suddenly, they want to disassociate from me. It’s honestly super sus (do people still say that?), and I’m tired of baring my soul to truly connect with people and them kicking me down so they can feel good about themselves. So they can judge me rather than encourage me; abandon me rather than redirect me in love. Or they’ll redirected me in love, and even though I do my absolute best to be who THEY want me to be, because I’m not up to THEIR standards within THEIR number of business days, they’ll go ahead and cut ties. Yeah, I’m done with those types of friendships. From now on, if I see the red flags, I’LL be the first to go. 🚩

I feel like that’s part of why my writing has been so distant here. I hate that I feel this way, and that it’s affected something I love. I hate that sometimes it’s just easier for me to get lost in playing a game, watching a show, or reading a book than to be honest with myself and to others.

I think this is a step in the right direction though.

This is the part of the post where I need to reassure any family and/or friends who are reading this that I AM OKAY. It just took me laying here, about to write yet ANOTHER review blog post for me to fully check in with myself, and realize why I’ve been having such a major writing block.

It’s because I still care about what those people said to me; how they thought or think about me now. And it’s made me scared to be honest here. Sure, I don’t dwell on this every single day, but fear and worry linger within the heart, and it affects things more than we think. I’ll be finding a Bible verse for this month to help me with this thought process (if you know of any, please share them with me! I’m trying to memorize more Scriptures to help combat negative thought and behavior patterns).

In fact…writing about that just now made me realize I do have something to write about tomorrow – some verses that I’ve been memorizing during July, and why I’ve been memorizing them.

Crazy what writing out your thoughts can do. I feel like this honestly cleared that writer’s block I was feeling – in a way, the fog seems lifted. It doesn’t mean it won’t come back up again, but there truly is so much freedom in being honest and vulnerable. Even if others may want to take advantage of it, or don’t respect it.

Another reminder: I’M OKAY. I just needed that. And maybe, you did too. If this made you want to dive deeper into how you’re really feeling right now, then I’m grateful. Because we’re living in some rough times right now, and it’s easy to disassociate and to want to stay that way, and to keep the cycle going despite feeling blocked somehow.

You’re not alone. I encourage you to be HONEST. I implore you to BE REAL.

If you’ve been feeling blocked emotionally, mentally, creatively, in ANY way recently, please feel free to use the comments below to be honest. This is a judgment-free zone; no one is perfect, and sometimes we just need to vent to help see what needs to be healed.

Mishy 🦋🩵☁️

p.s. don’t sugarcoat it. I re-read this post and almost edited stuff out. NAH. I SAID WHAT I SAID! I WROTE WHAT I WROTE!