patches.

Well, those of you who follow me on social media know that I entered a new chapter of my life this weekend: I became a mom.

A DOG mom! 🐶💙

Yes, my boyfriend and I had the joy of getting a new German Shepherd/pitbull mix puppy, and we named him Patches (after a stuffed dog my mom had when I was growing up that also had a patch over his eye!). Every time in the past I’d thought about getting a dog, I’d had major hesitations because I knew things would change. I would no longer be dealing with just myself, but with another living and breathing being as well. Which meant dealing with pee and poop, giving it exercise, training it, not leaving it alone for too long, etc.

But there was just something different about this time. Maybe I just felt the attachment after I’d seen Patches’ picture, and I longed to understand what the connection was. Of course, my boyfriend was all for getting him too. ☺️ Whatever it was, it led me to agree to getting him. We’ve already had fun in the past two days 😂 if you think having a puppy poop in your passenger seat is fun. He did it on an old t-shirt though, to which I say, GREAT AIM, PATCHES! 🙌🏽

a little, 4-legged teacher

I definitely did not go into the weekend thinking that I would begin this new week with a new responsibility. Taking care of plants is one thing; taking care of an animal is COMPLETELY different! I had always been nervous about it just because I live in such a small space, and having a dog would mean having to do different things (keeping plugs/wires off the floor, not dropping specific foods, not being able to diffuse essential oils, keeping the plants away from it so it wouldn’t dig them up, etc.).

But as I spent today away from him because of work, I considered that maybe Patches being in my life was changing up things for me for the better. Keeping things off the floor meant my apartment would be cleaner (not saying that I’m a total pig or anything, but sheesh, catch my apartment in the middle of a work week, and it’s not really pristine 😅). I’d be tending to my plants more regularly since I’ll have to be sure they’re out of his reach. Putting him on a schedule means I can’t be super flexible with my own schedule like I used to be i.e. I can’t hit snooze on my alarms or try to sleep in knowing that I have to take him out to pee in the morning so I can get my own day started.

And while I know I’m only in the beginning days of my time with Patches, and things won’t always be fun or easy, I am grateful to have this opportunity to be a mom to him! I feel like he’ll teach me lessons I wouldn’t get to learn if I didn’t have him in my life – some things I’ll share with you all, and some things I’ll keep to myself. I also feel like watching him grow will be such an experience for me. Like from little-bitty puppy to giant dog, and then to see how much he learns in that time? My heart 😭

Not to mention, my sister has a dog, some of my co-workers have dogs too, so we’ll now have ALL THE DOG DATES! 🙌🏽

jump in

My decision to have Patches join me in my journey of life truly was me just jumping in without second-guessing everything. Okay, maybe there was some slight thinking about it, but I knew that if I continued to cycle through thoughts of what could go wrong, what may be frustrating, or any other negativity, I’d talk myself out of it.

I also had thoughts about being prepared: was I in the right time in my life to take care of a dog? Would my attention be mostly on it, and not on the other things I wanted to accomplish? Don’t get me wrong, these are all good things to think about; don’t jump into a decision if you KNOW you aren’t financially capable, you don’t have the time, you can’t commit, etc. I know I’m no dog expert, but I’m willing to learn, and that right there should be enough! I know that I won’t make the right decisions all the time, but I’m willing to learn from them, and do things differently when the time comes.

And, most importantly, be sure to PRAY ABOUT IT. If you feel the Holy Spirit telling you it’s not time yet, listen. If you feel Him saying that that choice is not good for you at all, don’t try to come up with excuses on how it is a good choice for you. He will guide you to the things that will be best for you, so TRUST HIM! Because sometimes He’ll lead you into just going for it, and seeing what happens!

*To all the pet parents reading this: What are some things you learned through having a pet? Were you fully prepared for everything that came with it? What are some tips you might have for a new pet parent like me?

*To all my readers: Do you tend to just jump into a new experience, or do you have to list out every single pro and con? What is something you’ve been dwelling on, or something that’s come up in your life several times that you’re tempted to just jump into? What are the thoughts that are causing you to hesitate? Thinking about these things, are you at peace with the decision you’ve made/you’re about to make?

Mishy 🦋💙

weakness.

Strength. Weakness.

At the end of May, I did a Words with Women event based on these two things, discussing what it means to be “strong” or “weak” as a woman. The conversation was truly amazing…I loved hearing each woman’s perspective and thoughts on these themes. And it’s crazy how God will lead you to some topics, and then bring them back up as time goes on.

Last week, I thought about weakness.

It was my second week being back at work, y’all, and I was TIRED. My feet had been hurting from walking and standing around again after three months of resting them. I’d been getting back to my heavier workouts so almost each night, my body would ache from a previous workout I’d done. Not to mention, since going back to work, I’m now only getting about 5-6 hours of sleep a night because that’s just when I’m able to manage hitting my bed after getting off work, working out, eating, showering, and spending a little time for myself through writing, reading, or playing the game (I recently got a Nintendo Switch with my boyfriend, so that’s been fun to play for the past week-and-a-half!).

But one morning last week, I was just feeling so weak. Like I wasn’t prepared to get through the day because my energy was spent…and it was only Tuesday!

Then I began to think about these verses in the Bible:

“But He said to me, ‘My Grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“My Grace is sufficient for you…”

The context of these verses is that the writer Paul is discussing the “thorn in his flesh” that he’d prayed God would take away from him several times, but God replied with the verses above. While I’m not sure exactly what Paul’s “thorn in his flesh” was (2 Corinthians 12:7 leans towards a spiritual battle as he refers to a “messenger of Satan”) I know I can definitely relate to having “weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities” of my own, no matter what they may be!

But it is only through weakness that we can truly and fully become stronger, and that strength isn’t our own, but is solely through dependence on the Lord. We can’t sit in the comfortability of always being strong, wise, certain, or successful, and expect to learn, to mature, to grow, to become even stronger than we are now. There has to be a period of weakness. And through both times of strength and weakness, we have to lean into God.

Tula’s strength.

Those who follow me on social media know that Tula, my pink hibiscus plant, has finally bloomed after about a month of being barren. She would have buds form, and then they’d fall off. I was so crushed that she wasn’t blooming, and I even wrote a poem about this phase of her life cycle as a metaphor for the phase I was in with my poetry (which also seemed to be lacking). But after researching and experimenting (i.e., making my own insecticide to spray on her) she opened up a big, beautiful pink flower a couple of weekends ago, and surprisingly, it stayed around for about 2.5 days.

My yellow hibiscus plant (Reyna) has flowers that only last about one full day and start to shrivel and close back up. When I mentioned this difference to my boyfriend, he said that maybe after being dormant for so long and fighting off those pests, she came back stronger. Tula has become yet another metaphor for my life, and maybe even for your life too!

We all go through phases of weakness, and it looks different for each person. The phase could be long or short; it could deal with different aspects of life. It could be something you really have to persist through, or something that takes one moment of getting over. In any case, we must be able to withstand the phase to become stronger. But, how do we do that?

embrace it!

It is good to actively do something about your weakness! The first step should be to go to God for wisdom on which steps to take, and He will graciously show you the things you need to do. It could be setting boundaries, doing more in an area, getting help, admitting weakness to someone close to you, etc. In this, I believe that we truly need to embrace the weakness, and understand that it is not our own power that will carry us through.

A lot of times people will cry out to God only when they’re at the end of their rope: when they’ve tried any and everything to improve their situation. When really, as soon as we realize the weakness we’re in, that’s when we have to understand that it is an opportunity for God’s strength to shine through us. He may be allowing you to go through something so that your testimony of that time will point back to Him!

So, as you go through your daily life, and as you encounter different times in which you feel weak, remind yourself that it is a time in which you can really see God work in you and through you! Don’t be so quick to beg Him to take it away, but allow Him to teach you through the weakness, and to show you just how powerful He is!

Mishy 🦋💛

lessons from Itachi.

“He who forgives and acknowledges himself…that is what it truly means to be strong!”

“If you want to know who you are, you have to look at your real self and acknowledge what you see.”

– Itachi Uchiha, Naruto Shippuden

***Disclaimer: I finished Naruto Shippuden with my boyfriend recently, and I truly fell in love with the whole Naruto franchise. There is so much depth in that show, it’s crazy. While I understand that identity crisis can truly only be healed through understanding our identity in Christ, I just thought it was awesome how these two quotes were brought to my attention, and have helped me do some self-reflection about my own identity. Just had to say that 😁

I was looking up a specific Itachi Uchiha quote for the pictures I took yesterday in my Akatsuki tank top (because Itachi is my favorite Akatsuki member in Naruto. I went through a lot of emotions regarding him, but he truly is amazing), and I found these other quotes that I resonated with heavily. This past week I had to come to terms with some things I’d already come to terms with previously, but had to think about again. And it honestly made me annoyed and irritated at myself; like I couldn’t get it right the first time, so here I am, having to start over again, or so it felt like.

There were so many things last week that grabbed my attention: the message I heard from God about looking through His eyes, several devotionals I’d read through this week, hard conversations that needed to be had, being by myself and facing things on my own, writing habits down that I needed to break, hearing yesterday’s sermon about my identity in Christ, how I am not to love the world and what it stands for, but to be in the world, and speak the Gospel, the Truth, and now these quotes. Everything that happened last week needed to happen before this new week began, before I went back to work, and back to possibly being busy again (I hope not).

Both of these Itachi’s quotes, I believe, are from when he was fighting with Kabuto, another main character, one of the villains, whose whole story is about finding out exactly who he is. He struggles by trying to take on traits and skills of other characters in the show, and ultimately, does his best to become just like another one of the main villains, Orochimaru by transfusing some of his blood into his body, and doing other experiments. He does all this because he is unsure of what his true identity is.

Itachi’s words were directed at Kabuto’s story, telling him that he needed to acknowledge who he was outside of all his efforts to try to become someone else.

Let’s talk about the first quote…

As I said before, having to face some issues I had already been dealing with again just made me irritated with myself. It made me want to mentally beat myself up, like, Seriously, why have you not moved past this yet? It can be hard to forgive other people, but for me, it really is hard to forgive myself for things I’ve done or said. And I use the excuse sometimes that because it’s me and not another person, I can be more harsh about it, which isn’t right. It’s that perfectionist side really trying to get at me.

It also makes me not want to acknowledge who I am; to be transparent, I’ve been having issues accepting the fact that I’m just not like everyone else. There’s this silent pressure I put myself under to be a certain way, either because I’m a poet or because I’m dating a rapper, or whatever, and it’s been difficult for me to learn to just be who I am because the people who are actively in my life are there because I was authentically myself, and not trying to be like anyone else.

Admittedly, it’s taken some strength to embrace myself as I am. So Itachi’s first words here really hit me when I read them. And I strive to continue to be strong in forgiving myself even when I still stumble into comparing myself or desiring to be something or someone I’m not.

And now, the second quote…

I feel like a lot of people could read this quote and be like, “DUH, Itachi!” But how many of us look at ourselves in the mirror and wish we looked like someone else? How many times do we do something or act a certain way, and wish we could be different? Do we wish we could be more or less of anything…loud, quiet, brave, creative, etc.? Or, how many times do we watch someone else behave a certain way, and long to be similar?

When Itachi says “real self,” I’d like to think it means seeing me stripped of all outside opinions…what is left? How do I see myself, not in relation to anyone or anything? Then, can I slowly add on outside factors that are true to form my identity – the things that I personally believe, that stand for who I am, and not things I claimed are a part of me based off of anyone or anything else?

Knowing who we really are is understanding our character traits, personalities, and physical features, and accepting them as they are because that’s who God made us to be…not because we changed ourselves to fit in someway, somehow. It doesn’t mean we can’t mature or change, but here in this moment, we have to acknowledge ourselves, and be more than okay with the way we are.

And most importantly, we have to know that God acknowledges us as we are. He loves us so much, that He longs for us to come as we are to Him. We don’t have to be all “cleaned up,” we don’t have to have a perfect performance history, we don’t have to have perfect church attendance, He’s just asking us to be vulnerable with Him, and to surrender our identity to Him, because He sees us as we are, and He desires for us to see ourselves the way He sees us – fearfully and wonderfully made.

Who says an anime can’t help you learn something? 😉

Have you ever felt like Kabuto: searching for your true identity by taking on other people’s characteristics, styles, views/beliefs, routines? Have you ever tried to make yourself physically look like someone else because you didn’t like what you saw in the mirror? How would you define your “real self”? When was the last time you went to God as you are: not trying to ask for things, not trying to appear “better” than you are or feel, but truly calling on Him in vulnerability?

Mishy 🦋💛

through His Eyes.

A couple of nights ago as I lied in bed, trying to get to sleep, I began praying for all the things I’d been so focused on last week. All my frustrations, all my concerns…and I’m not sure if I dozed off a little bit, or what, but all I know is, my mind began to think and then sing this song…

Just take a look through my eyes.
There’s a better place somewhere out there.
Just take a look through my eyes.
Everything changes, you’ll be amazed what you find,
When you look through my eyes.

Guys…if you know, you know. That’s a song from the Disney movie Brother Bear. 😂 And while it’s comical that that song popped in my head, and I hadn’t seen that movie since I was probably around ten years old, the words were significant enough for me to shoot my eyes open, and lie in bed to briefly think about them.

Not only that, but I prayed, asking God to help me remember the next morning that this song was in my mind the night before. And it brought me peace. Because I wasn’t think about the song and how it related to the movie, I was thinking about how it related to my life.

Here we are smack dab in the middle of the week, probably still reflecting on the events of last week, and even the events of the last few months – coronavirus pandemic and the racial pandemic our country has been in, but has now resurfaced due to recent murders of black people. And it’s easy to look at things through so many perspectives, and then react to those perspectives in anger, hurt, sadness, etc. Not to mention that lately, it’s been personally easy for me to see myself in a perspective that isn’t uplifting, and then I sometimes react in the ways I named above.

This is just a reminder to see ourselves and our lives through God’s perspective, through His eyes. How would He want us to perceive the things happening in our world? How would He want us to react to it all? What would He want us to say when we have opportunities to speak up? What would He not want us to say when we have opportunities to speak?

Asking all these questions is like the deeper version of “WWJD?” (“What would Jesus do?”), and as a Christian in this broken world, I have to ask myself these things before I respond to anything that’s happening around me because I’m not just representing myself, I’m representing Christ as well. That doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes, because I’ve definitely had some wrong reactions or said some wrong things due to just viewing things in a selfish way, but it doesn’t mean I should just give up and not work on it at all.

So, I just encourage my fellow Christian brothers and sisters to look at the world and to look at your life through His eyes, and act accordingly. What do you see, and how can you respond in a way that closely resembles how Christ would?

Also, don’t be surprised if God speaks to you through something like a Disney song. It may sound strange, but sometimes it takes something as simple, and what might seem somewhat silly, to grab our attention, and to have us hear His voice.

Mishy 🦋💛

intentions.

It’s June 1st, which means for me, a new color for the month (even though I’m a little behind on the #BrownSkinGirlProject, it doesn’t hurt to have a few more brown girls on my feed, especially in the times we’re in right now).

Today wasn’t just a change of color for my social media though; it was a change of color in my spirit. With everything going on in the world, we all still each have our own personal battles we deal with, and honestly, mine have been pretty heavy and consistent. You may think, What? You don’t seem like it… but it’s true. I may not portray on social media my internal struggles, but I still have them.

And as I cleaned my entire apartment (I’m talking…from bathroom to bedroom, the bed sheets and kitchen towels, the counters and inside the fridge…DEEP CLEANING), my spirit just kept bringing up this word and phrase: “intentions”, “set your intentions.”

Now, of course, we all have goals and plans, and of course, many of those goals and plans went straight out the window from March to even now. We’re entering the second half of 2020, and there are a lot of unknowns still. A lot of heartbreak. A lot of changes and movements happening. And underneath this all is an overarching theme of healing…we’re all still trying to heal from things, whether it’s COVID-19 related, racism related, or something else personal going on in your life.

I looked up the definition of “intention,” and Oxford Languages via Google not only gave the “aim” or “plan” definition, it also provided this one:

“the healing process of a wound”

How ironic is that? Or maybe it’s not ironic at all; the Holy Spirit set that word on my heart for a reason or two. And I aim to write down every intention I have for this last half of the year, and to pray on each one and work towards those things coming into fruition, and healing after so much negativity, pain, and hurt.

I refuse to settle in this place I’ve been in.

Last month as I was mentally preparing for June, I was thinking about what words were brought to mind when the color yellow is seen. Of course, we think of the obvious ones: bright, joyful, exciting, inspiring, bold, confident. And now, the word I have for yellow is intention. The beautiful thing about this is that this isn’t just another project or set of posts for my feed, but it’s something personal I’m setting my mind to doing; I’m actively choosing to engage in this healing process of the wounds I’ve been digging my fingers in for way too long.

As my sis Cydney would say, I was manifesting my own downfall. And today, it’s time for that to end in ALL AREAS of my life.

Today, I cleaned my room. I prayed for God to clean my spirit. I cleaned my mind. I am abounding in my intentions.

What are some intentions that you have set for the last half of 2020? How are you healing with everything going on in our world? What steps can you take in your healing process?

Mishy 🦋💛

meet pops. 🌿

Story time!

It’s been a minute since I’ve told a story on here, so I’m excited that I get to indulge y’all in something different!

If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know that I posted a picture of this little guy on my story this past week, asking who wanted to hear a story about him…

I also asked my followers what I should name him, and after only several good name choices were offered (Xavier, Edward, Jeffrey, Pops) I decided to go with “Pops” because of what this plant has gone through. And here’s where I’ll explain…

it looks like the end…

One night, my boyfriend closed my porch door. Normally, Pops is on the complete opposite side of where the door shuts so that he isn’t in danger of getting shut by the door.

So, you see what happened then…

Yes, my boyfriend accidentally shut him in the door, causing many of his little leaves to come off, and the top half of one of his branches completely came off. I felt many emotions…sad, upset, frustrated. I had watched this little succulent grow in over a year after my stepdad gave him to me for Valentine’s Day 2019. He was the only plant that I kept alive since Reyna and Tula 1.0 were unfortunately not taken care of properly last summer. And suddenly, he’d been crushed because, as my boyfriend put it, “He got up and walked toward the door without him seeing.” 😭

I honestly felt like Pops was going to die after that, and I was so sad about it (this was before I got my hibiscus plants, Reyna and Tula 2.0). I loved watching him gain new leaves, and I eventually wanted to repot him this summer.

pop go the new leaves

You read it right!

After several days of continuing to water Pops and give him as much sun as he needed, I took a good look at him, and noticed that there were little new leaves popping up where the old leaves had been (I guess those old leaves were dead).

I couldn’t have been happier! I’m really glad I didn’t throw him away when he got crushed, because now I get to see the new growth happening first hand! 😍🌱

let’s talk about us

As I thought about Pops’ story, I thought about us as people. There are a lot of things in life that can and will crush us at some point, and in those moments, we have choices to make. We can either throw all the potential we have stored within ourselves away, and give into what crushed us, or we can choose to try to keep growing and striving toward moving past it.

Of course, I encourage us to do the latter; we are so much more capable of healing if we give ourselves time. But too often, if we don’t heal in the time we desire, we can tend to give up, or try to take shortcuts to healing by just pretending everything is okay.

A plant may be able to pretend things are okay by looking okay for a small period of time. But then what happens? One day, it starts to droop, or it loses leaves, visibly showing that it’s not okay, that it needs water, sunlight, or fertilizer. And the same goes with us as people!

Pops was a great reminder for me to keep going, even when I’m being crushed by a heavy emotion or event in my life. He also is a great reminder to keep taking care of myself with whatever I may need spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I hope you’re reminded of this as well!

What’s something in your life that’s been a great reminder? It can be a plant, an animal, a game, an event, etc. What was the lesson it reminded you of? Did it change the way you view yourself or others?

Mishy 🦋🤎

put to practice.

And just like that, y’all…I write a blog post about how things change, and today, things went and changed up on me! 😂 God must’ve been like, Okay, so you writing all this stuff…let’s see how well you put it into practice when it happens!

Some of the meetings I’d set up for the Brown Skin Girls project had to be switched around, leaving me another free day to do what I needed to do! In my mind, that just tells me that God thought I needed an extra day to prepare myself, and I’m grateful for that. Because I was excited, but also low-key nervous to start this project up, and having another day allowed me to truly be ready!

How do you handle change? Sometimes it’s easier to brush it off when it doesn’t inconvenience us, but when it throws a whole wrench in matters you’d already planned, it can be many things: annoying or frustrating. It can cause us to place a whole raincloud over a day that can still be just as good even if things didn’t go as planned.

I could go into how we’re all doing this thing that none of us ever planned, but I’m sure you all understand by now. I’m sure many of us have gone through different phases during this time, and are still going through those phases as it drags on longer and longer. I pray that you see each day not as an inconvenience, but as opportunity. That we allow ourselves to see the silver lining when a cloud comes through.

Did anyone write down their end-of-the-month check-up based off my blog post yesterday? If you missed out, you can find it here. It’ll help you think about all the changes that have occurred, the ways in which you’ve changed, and what should leave or stay in regards to May being tomorrow!

Not too much to write about today, BUT I’ve decided to tell the story about my succulent plant here on the blog tomorrow, so stay tuned!

Mishy 🦋🤍

april: end-of-the-month check-up.

April’s last day is tomorrow, and May is open for so many possibilities.

Thirty-one days for things to change. People say a lot can happen in a year, but a lot happens in just one month! For instance, in April, I did a photoshoot for a clothing brand (go, Modern Hippie!), I bought two hibiscus plants and repotted them (and am scheming to buy a shelf specifically for plants in my apartment, along with another pot to replant my succulent). I started a new skin care routine that has my face ✨GLOWING✨ (plus I’ve been drinking more water too), and I’ve been doing a 6-week home workout challenge to keep myself in shape since the gyms are closed (and I won’t be stepping foot in one until this whole pandemic is fully resolved!).

See how much changed for me? And now I’ve got another guaranteed month off of work, and I’m curious to see what God will do in this time for me. I’ve already got things planned, but how many times have things that we’ve planned not go the way we thought they would? And how often are we okay with that?

I’m going to do something I haven’t done since January, when I originally posted this, and give y’all an end-of-the-month check-up. Just a list of things for y’all to think about as April is closing, and May begins!

Accomplishments 🎉

  • What did you achieve this month?
  • Did you start something new?
  • Did you finish any resolutions you made at the beginning of the year?

Lessons 🤔

  • What did you learn this month?
  • How can you take any failures/mistakes you made this month, and turn them into lessons learned?
  • How can you apply these lessons to this next month coming up?

Goals 📝

  • What new goals do you have for next month?
  • Which goals from last month will be transferred to this month? How long do you think it will take to achieve them?
  • Write down specific things you need to work on. Remember that your goal isn’t to get these things perfect by next month, it’s to progress in them next month!

Spiritual Life 🙏🏽

  • What was one major thing God revealed to you this month?
  • What was a prayer God answered this month? (Not answered with a “yes” specifically, just answered: yes, no, wait, etc.)
  • In what ways do you feel like you’ve grown spiritually?
  • What areas in your spiritual life do you need to work on? 

Relationships 🤝

  • Name at least 3-5 people you got to meet/got to know this month.
  • Name at least 3-5 people you would want to meet up with/get to know better next month.
  • If you weren’t really social this month, write down ways you can make more time to spend time with those you love 

Self-Care ✨

  • Did you get to make time for yourself this month? 
  • If “YES,” in what ways? Which ones will you hold onto this next month? Will/how can you switch things up next month?
  • If “NO,” how can you be sure to make time for yourself/take care of yourself this month? What things will you focus on in your self-care routine? 

***Remember! Self-care doesn’t have to be expensive…you don’t need to spend money! There are plenty of ways to take care of yourself that cost nothing 😊

I know I’ll be spending a significant amount of time in my own journal jotting things down so I can anticipate the changes going to occur!

What are the thoughts you have when the end of the month, or even the end of a season occurs? How can you better anticipate the changes that will happen? Do you even take thought to when time changes?

Mishy 🦋🤍

healing wholly.

Happy Tuesday, luvvies!

It’s been days since I’ve blogged, but it’s because of the new Brown Skin Girl Project I’ve been organizing! I’ve been scheduling meetings, emailing reminders, creating content, all the while just trying to get in some time to do all the things I’ve been doing since the quarantine started.

Last week was a good week for me, honestly. It was the first time in a while that I’d felt more at peace, more grounded and centered, and actually okay with who and where I am, and what I look like. Maybe the latter is because my skin is clearing up due to my new skin care routine, and actually drinking enough water 😅 And maybe the other two are because of my willingness to surrender everything I’d been feeling, and to allow God to work through all of it in His own way.

It doesn’t mean it’s easy, though. I wish I could say that I recently felt the same way as I did last week, but the Enemy does his best to kill the joy that you feel somehow, especially after you feel like you’re “in the clear.”

But one thing I can say, is that I’m thankful for this time I’ve been given; these couple of months being stowed away at home have given me time to heal wholly.

half the healing

Before when I was working about 10 hours a day then going straight from work to the gym then back home just to have enough time to shower, eat, and then go to sleep, I had hard days when I thought self-sabotaging thoughts and placed the weight of everything associated with me upon myself. And what did I do? I’d just shove those feelings down my throat as best as I could, and kept it pushing. Because there wasn’t time to act like that; I had things to do, people to work with, a schedule to uphold. If I cried, I’d have maybe 10 minutes in the bathroom at work to do it before my coworkers wondered where I was (doesn’t mean I never did it. I just felt guilty for doing so). Or I’d have 10 minutes before my boyfriend had to clock into work to briefly talk about it before I couldn’t speak to him for another 2 hours.

Those little 10-minute moments were simply mini-healing sessions, times I tried to sort through what was going through my mind in as little time as possible before I just pushed it all to the back burner and got back to my routine. Sometimes they worked, and sometimes they didn’t. In hindsight, I I feel like it was mostly unhealthy for me to rush the healing process, but during that time, I really thought they were somehow still helping me by getting it all out little by little.

The problem was that there wasn’t really healing happening, just bandaging it up. Maybe not even that; more like putting duct tape over an open wound, and planning on taking it off later, only to rip the tape off, opening the wound even more, and seeing that there was no healing ever happening…the wound may even look worse because I didn’t tend to it properly in the moment it should have been dealt with.

Unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with all of those duct-taped wounds during this quarantine time, and while what I may post seem all peachy keen to you all, what I’d been feeling on the inside has been truly hurtful. Not all the time, mind you, but I definitely have had some hard times mentally. Having all of those wounds patched while I tried to truly heal only allowed their toxicity to come through, and try to tear down those parts of me I was working on.

still surrendering

Honestly, I started writing this post yesterday morning, and I went through different phases. Yesterday morning, I was talking bout how I could see the progress I was making in surrendering, not just creative projects, but in my life. Then yesterday evening, I was having a hard time letting go of some of the things I thought I let go. And today, I’m feeling so much better!

I even had to go back and reread the last blog I posted about surrender to remind myself what I even said. How often do we do that though? Feel like we’ve taken three steps forward, and then in a day or so, we feel like we’re right back to where we started.

But I’m learning to be more gentle with myself, to be okay with the surrender being a process, as everything is. It’s a daily battle: to surrender the burdens I feel like I need to hold onto, and the weight of things in my life that I feel I must carry, or it won’t make it to where God eventually wants me to be.

what about you?

Have you been healing during this time? What are some ways you’ve been doing that? How have you been handling the rough days? The good days? How do you remind yourself that God is in control of all things, and that you need to daily surrender to Him?

Mishy 🦋🤍

to be real.

How is it already almost 10 o’clock at night as I’m writing this?

These days filled with nothing seem to be going by quicker than days in which I was extremely busy. But maybe it’s because there’s time to do the things I’ve been wanting to do!

Honestly, what can I write about? Today was a fairly normal day in which I made sure to do the essential things: my quiet/devotional time, eat, work out, shower, dishes, and laundry. The rest of the time, I was gathering more writing information so I can learn even more about this thing that I love.

Part of me is excited, and another part of me is nervous. Excited because it’s good to level up in my craft in some ways! Can’t grow if I’m just doing the same thing. I’m nervous because sometimes I wish writing was just simple. Not because I’m lazy, but because the simplicity of just writing whatever comes to mind, whatever is in the heart, just seems highly genuine and real to me. Sometimes I feel like people can get so lost in creating content, we lose the authenticity of things.

I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days when I wish I could be just as carefree in my writing back a few years back when I used to do this every day. Part of me feels like there’s a lack of inspiration since I”m confined to such a small space to really experience anything, but I guess that’s no excuse for that when the lack of space can still give me time to experience things online.

But truly, I think it’s because I fear the audience I potentially have right now. I don’t know how many people are actually reading my blog these days (don’t feel guilty if you’re not…well, I guess if you’re not, then you wouldn’t be reading this. 😅 Anyways!), but I do know who could possibly lay their eyes on my words. And in a way, that makes me nervous. Because I want to make content that’s relatable and interesting, but I also want to be as genuine as possible.

Back when I wrote on my blog every day, I really didn’t know who my audience was, so it made it easier for me to write without feeling maybe judged by what I wrote about. But I know I should have the same mindset back then as I do now, no matter if I do know who my audience is or not! Who knows if me being real allows someone else to feel understood? Who knows if my words could open someone’s perspective to a different point of view?

I guess I’ll never really know until I stop being scared to just be real on here. Not saying that everything I’ve written so far during this quarantine time hasn’t been real, but there have been times I’ve filtered maybe an opinion I had, or didn’t write about something on my mind/heart because I felt like no one else would understand.

But who’s website is this again? Yep, it’s mine. So it’s time I stop walking on eggshells here, and just be who I am!

What are some things that hinder you from being authentic and genuine? How can you push past these things to unleash who you really are/what you really love?

Mishy 🦋🤍