Resting used to be really hard for me.
From 2017 until the middle of this year, I was constantly on-the-go. Most days I wouldn’t get to my house until I was ready to rest my head on the pillow at night. There was something about the rush of everything; the constant coming-and-going of my every day that had me on this high.
Maybe all of those meetings, practices, and hang outs validated me. Because I was doing so much, I felt important somehow, I felt needed and wanted. I know for a fact that during those times, I despised sitting down for more than an hour or so, unless I had to wait that long until my next appointment or whatever for the day. If I was just sitting around relaxing, it gave me time to think, which in a sense is good. But I would spend most of that time thinking about what I’m not doing – questioning why I haven’t reached a certain point in my life; why some events occurred and why others haven’t happened yet. That empty space of time I would have to myself would potentially be wasted by me mindlessly scrolling through my phone.
Now, at the beginning of this year, I re-learned how to embrace solitude again. I spent hours in my room writing, reading, meditating, or watching Game of Thrones. But I didn’t mind being by myself. It was only when I began getting busier within my passion, and making new friends to hang out with did the silence and seclusion get to me.
My response to verse 2 of Psalm 23 explains this concept of wrestling with rest. It’s really amazing to look back at what I wrote here because this time last year, I was wondering if anything I’d dreamed of doing and worked towards would come to fruition because I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I felt like I had to be doing more – meeting more people, being more active on social media, writing more. I was comparing myself to a lot of the writers, poets, and spoken word artists I looked up to, and I felt that resting would set me back.
But being where I am now and reading this piece…I understand the importance of rest more now. I still struggle with taking a break every now and then, and that’s where God stops me by getting me physically ill so I can slow down, or canceling plans I had, or placing someone like my boyfriend in my life to remind me that we can’t always constantly be going places and doing things.
It’s vital to rest. Not just to rest physically – but spiritually, in the presence of God.
“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.”
Not right now, God.
I can’t rest just yet.
I see all these people making moves, releasing things, doing what I long to do, and I’m not there yet so I need to get going.
I can’t stop now.
Surely, You can’t be telling me to lie down when I don’t have my stuff together.
Once it’s all said and done,
I’ll be sure to hit up that pasture,
Kick my feet up, and soak it all in.
How sad is it that I refuse to listen to Your Voice gently whispering to me:
“My luvvy, resting is where you begin. Not rushing around, throwing words on a page. Not half-heartedly creating just to have things out there, just to quickly stand on stages upon stages
No. You start here with Me.”
And my restless spirit knows it’s the right thing to do, so, despite the logic my mind wants to throw in my face,
And the passion with which my heart yearns with,
By Your Strength alone, I will take my place in the pasture and
Sit still and graze.
Still by the still waters.
And I’ll soak in more of You, and more of the patience I need.
I will be at peace in the waiting.
I gotta keep going.