As I type this, it’s hard for me to hold back my tears. It feels as if a weight is on my chest and it won’t come off. As much as I know that there is only One Solution to my problems, my worries, I can’t help but dwell on them and constantly sigh and shake my head. 

My frustrations have been constantly whirring in my head as I try to focus on studying for my Spanish final. I can’t get a B on this one. I need an A. God knows how badly I need an A.

There’s been so much truth spoken to me about this situation. 

“It’s going to be okay.”
“You can do it.”
“Don’t let this get you down.”
“I’m not upset about it. I don’t give a crap about it. You’re the one who’s really upset. Don’t worry about it and don’t give up.”
“You’ve grown into such an amazing lady. Don’t let this stop you from blossoming.”
“If God wants you to stay here, then He’s going to have a way for you to stay here.”
“Yeah, if God wants you here, then you’ll stay here. If not, then you wouldn’t want to be here since it’s not His will.”

So many truths in one day. I know I should listen to all of them, but it’s so hard for me to let go of my anger and frustration at myself. This whole thing makes me feel like I wasn’t good enough, didn’t try hard enough, or made mistakes along the way that I could’ve avoided.

But now, it’s too late. I can’t do anything to change what’s already happened. I can only concern myself with what will happen in the future.

As I sat in my room, my heart still stirring about what will happen in the future, Jeremy Camp’s album Reckless is playing in the background. My eyes scan over my laptop screen, my stomach cringing at the numbers and letters I’m seeing. Final Grade. Attempted. Earned. GPA. I even go back and look at my past achievements in these areas…or as my mind would call them, un-achievements, since it looks as if I didn’t do what I could.

Suddenly, Jeremy Camp sings “My life’s Yours, it is not mine..”

And that’s when I started typing this. Do I still feel my stomach churning, my heart sinking, my eyes sore from all the tears that have been poured out already? Of course I do. 

But even through all of my worries and struggles and pain, I need to remember that my life is not mine. I am not here on this earth to live for myself. In fact, the only reason why I can do any good on this earth is because I have the Holy Spirit within me. Without Him, I am unable to give God the glory for allowing His Grace and Mercy to permeate my life.

And my family and friends are right. I shouldn’t let this defeat me. I’m still in this fight, and I’m going to give it all I’ve got. God has given me these last opportunities to do my best, and I’m going to take them.

God will provide a way if it is His will that I stay where I’m at. And if God doesn’t want me where I am right now and He takes me away somewhere else, so be it. Because that is His will, and it’s what’s best for my life. I shouldn’t be worried about that. I want the best that God has for me!

My life is His. It isn’t mine. And I’m going to continue holding my Father’s hand as I finish this week off and wait patiently for what He does. And what happens, happens. And I will praise and glorify God no matter what. For He is always good. He doesn’t seek to harm or hurt me. He wants what is best for me. And I trust that it will happen.

Here’s another one of Jeremy Camp’s songs that just really encouraged me and reminded me who my God is. ❤