Today, I went live with my friend Jeigh for her organization Suspire, and we discussed how I’ve been personally feeling with everything going on.
Honestly, I’m probably in one of the most privileged positions of anyone enduring this pandemic: I’m off of work, but I’m still getting paid. Which means, I have so much time to create! So, there’s really not much room for me to complain, and I’m grateful to be in the position I’m in!
I was telling Jeigh during the live that while I’m not necessarily enduring panic from all this, and I’m more in disbelief that these things are happening, even though I’m living through it day by day. Again, I’m grateful to not be experiencing more negative emotions due to this pandemic.
However, when I think about it, I still have to fight for my mental health. I may not be anxious in regards to the pandemic, but I’m seeing that being stuck in one place for so long leaves a lot of time to just think about other things…and sometimes those things can be negative. I have noticed that sometimes it’s easier for me to see the hope and light in other people’s situations, and not see it in my own. I’m able to write to inspirational content for others, but when I go back and read it, sometimes I feel like those words just aren’t for me.
I’ve had to battle mental demons that desire for me to self-sabotage, threatening my stable situations into chaos and confusion. Yes, there is more time to create…but there’s also more time to compare myself. There’s more time to allow those thoughts to settle in, and cause me to question myself – what I look like, the things I do, etc.
In a way, I feel like I somehow fudged my answers in the Instagram live earlier, but truly, these times of feeling down are brief and temporary. But they are still there, and I don’t want to pretend like they never happened, because they have. I find that I’m fearful of admitting my weak moments of believing these lies; I’m afraid that if I say them out loud, I’d be judged rather than encouraged or helped.
But I also know that, even if it may be initially painful to bring them to light, there is always healing and reassurance on the other side from the Lord, from people who truly love and support me. And I also know that I’m not the only one who goes through these thought processes, so that’s always comforting.
And it’s comforting to know that I can read and look at the art and words of other artists when I feel my words aren’t of much comfort to myself. And honestly, that’s an interesting topic for another blog post. Hmm…
Just some honesty today! But it’s good to get it off my chest. Here are some of the words that have encouraged me lately: