Happy Tuesday, luvvies!
It’s been days since I’ve blogged, but it’s because of the new Brown Skin Girl Project I’ve been organizing! I’ve been scheduling meetings, emailing reminders, creating content, all the while just trying to get in some time to do all the things I’ve been doing since the quarantine started.
Last week was a good week for me, honestly. It was the first time in a while that I’d felt more at peace, more grounded and centered, and actually okay with who and where I am, and what I look like. Maybe the latter is because my skin is clearing up due to my new skin care routine, and actually drinking enough water 😅 And maybe the other two are because of my willingness to surrender everything I’d been feeling, and to allow God to work through all of it in His own way.
It doesn’t mean it’s easy, though. I wish I could say that I recently felt the same way as I did last week, but the Enemy does his best to kill the joy that you feel somehow, especially after you feel like you’re “in the clear.”
But one thing I can say, is that I’m thankful for this time I’ve been given; these couple of months being stowed away at home have given me time to heal wholly.
half the healing
Before when I was working about 10 hours a day then going straight from work to the gym then back home just to have enough time to shower, eat, and then go to sleep, I had hard days when I thought self-sabotaging thoughts and placed the weight of everything associated with me upon myself. And what did I do? I’d just shove those feelings down my throat as best as I could, and kept it pushing. Because there wasn’t time to act like that; I had things to do, people to work with, a schedule to uphold. If I cried, I’d have maybe 10 minutes in the bathroom at work to do it before my coworkers wondered where I was (doesn’t mean I never did it. I just felt guilty for doing so). Or I’d have 10 minutes before my boyfriend had to clock into work to briefly talk about it before I couldn’t speak to him for another 2 hours.
Those little 10-minute moments were simply mini-healing sessions, times I tried to sort through what was going through my mind in as little time as possible before I just pushed it all to the back burner and got back to my routine. Sometimes they worked, and sometimes they didn’t. In hindsight, I I feel like it was mostly unhealthy for me to rush the healing process, but during that time, I really thought they were somehow still helping me by getting it all out little by little.
The problem was that there wasn’t really healing happening, just bandaging it up. Maybe not even that; more like putting duct tape over an open wound, and planning on taking it off later, only to rip the tape off, opening the wound even more, and seeing that there was no healing ever happening…the wound may even look worse because I didn’t tend to it properly in the moment it should have been dealt with.
Unfortunately, I’ve been dealing with all of those duct-taped wounds during this quarantine time, and while what I may post seem all peachy keen to you all, what I’d been feeling on the inside has been truly hurtful. Not all the time, mind you, but I definitely have had some hard times mentally. Having all of those wounds patched while I tried to truly heal only allowed their toxicity to come through, and try to tear down those parts of me I was working on.
Honestly, I started writing this post yesterday morning, and I went through different phases. Yesterday morning, I was talking bout how I could see the progress I was making in surrendering, not just creative projects, but in my life. Then yesterday evening, I was having a hard time letting go of some of the things I thought I let go. And today, I’m feeling so much better!
I even had to go back and reread the last blog I posted about surrender to remind myself what I even said. How often do we do that though? Feel like we’ve taken three steps forward, and then in a day or so, we feel like we’re right back to where we started.
But I’m learning to be more gentle with myself, to be okay with the surrender being a process, as everything is. It’s a daily battle: to surrender the burdens I feel like I need to hold onto, and the weight of things in my life that I feel I must carry, or it won’t make it to where God eventually wants me to be.
what about you?
Have you been healing during this time? What are some ways you’ve been doing that? How have you been handling the rough days? The good days? How do you remind yourself that God is in control of all things, and that you need to daily surrender to Him?