It’s NOVEMBER. And, of course, I’m as busy as ever.
Hmm, how to recap the past couple of months since I last blogged? A ton of things have happened as is normal when two months goes by. But two significant things (one small and one big) occurred in my absence from here…
Kicks and Skittles – On Hiatus:
This hiatus was totally unexpected and unplanned. For a whole month, Bria and I just didn’t film, whether it was because we had a lot of schoolwork to do or we didn’t feel like doing it one day and were planning on filming it the next day, but that just never happened. Not to mention, music has been constantly updating these days, so to pick and choose exactly what we wanted to talk about or review was challenging and slightly overwhelming. And poor Bria, she’s got all of the editing to do since the software only works best on her computer, so editing our videos is like having another homework assignment because it takes a while to do. So that was something that we weren’t planning on, but it happened. And we just released our first video in a month last week and we plan on making most of this month about KPOP because a lot of the groups we know are coming back. And we’ll also be doing a review of Justin Bieber’s new album Purpose (shameless plug lol. Look forward to that, guys!)
My First (and Hopefully Only) Breakdown of Senior Year
A less fun topic, but something that is real and something I need to just get out in writing. And it’s the most important thing that has happened to me this year. You ever have those times when things happen and all of the emotions from all of the situations just build-up, and you know you need to have a good cry or you need to scream and let it all out, but that time is yet to be determined? Well, yeah, that was October for me. Don’t get me wrong, I had some really fun times with my close friends and my hallmates, but schoolwork and work study was just pummeling me, to the point where I was constantly exhausted, drinking tons of coffee to beat the exhaustion, and not getting enough sleep because of work and schoolwork. A lovely little cycle.
I was also extremely frustrated with myself because I felt like my time management was just not working. I’ve been doing this for three years already, I thought, surely I can get my crap together. As a senior, I was placing tons of pressure on myself and even twisting my parents’ encouragement for me to accomplish good things this semester into expectations to do well or even better than I ever have. But it was all me. I placed my focus on the wrong things, and my emotional stability suffered for it.
I finally broke down, Halloween night. A couple of my guy friends who were concerned about me, tried to get what was wrong with me out in the open. As I spoke about some of the issues I was dealing with, I would tear up, but not actually full-on cry. I got back to my room, where Bria came in and asked if I was okay. “No,” I simply replied, and the tears finally flowed freely.
After talking to Bria about my issues, she asked me what I was going to do about it and even offered some suggestions on how to handle things. As I listened to her, I evaluated myself and my life this semester. The things I was doing to try to achieve (go to tutoring, constantly spending hours in the library doing homework, endlessly thinking about all the things I had to have together before the semester [i.e. grades, future plans, SIP ideas, etc.]) and the things I hadn’t been doing (like having my quiet time, doing Bible study with my closest friends, praying for others, etc.) were majorly affecting my life. I was also letting my fear and anxiety of failing myself, my parents and whoever else was counting on me to do well paralyze me from sometimes even doing what I needed to do. I knew there were things I had to change about the way I was going at everything this semester.
And so, here I am, in the midst of this change. It doesn’t mean that the fear has disappeared or that there is less work to be done in myself and in the things I’m working on. But I am unwilling to sit aside and allow my anxiety to drive how the rest of my semester will go. In the words of State Champs, I will “shape up, stand tall.”
So I am doing better at having my quiet time (it still needs some work!). Every Thursday, Bria, Caylin, Taylor and I have Bible study and prayer for an hour and talk about our highs and lows of the week. I’m making conscious decisions to try not to whine about my circumstances because honestly, things could be worse. God has been revealing to me other things that have been going on in the lives of people surrounding me on campus, and it makes me re-evaluate my life and realize that I honestly am doing great compared to some of the other things happening in the community I’m in. Being aware of the things happening, I feel more obligated to pray for those specific people and situations and to pray for my campus and the world as a whole.
And after talking to a few fellow seniors, God has allowed me to see that I am not alone in the feelings of disappointment and discouragement that I’ve had. And realizing that my fellow classmates also feel the same way and understanding the feeling has led me to pray for them as well as we work through this last season of school (for some of us) together.
On a more surface level way, my passion for writing has returned. In my season of being paralyzed by my own fears, I was discouraged and afraid to write anything, even blog posts. I felt like anything I had to say wasn’t worth saying or would not be written well enough to be accepted. But now, that spark has returned (praise God!), and I am determined and excited to continue writing in anyway that I can. Lord-willing, when Christmas break comes around, I will have the motivation to try to write some of my SIP and begin writing pieces of my memoir that I so desperately want to write.
And so, what a couple of months it has been! God has been so faithful and gracious to me, despite my distance from Him. I am constantly needing to be reminded of how dependent I am on Him for daily life, but I am so grateful that He is always willing to bring me back, even if it means I need to go through a series of events that leads to a breakdown. I couldn’t be more grateful for that particular time in the semester. It woke me up, for sure.
So yes, that’s what’s been up! I am still in the process of continuing to depend on God for daily survival! I gotta go now though, I’m kinda late for Bible study, ahh! 😀