Yesterday, I saw my senior picture in my college yearbook on my sister’s Snapchat. There I was in my favorite Pierce the Veil sweater with a bright smile, and my senior quote underneath:
I’m not where I should be,
I’m not what I could be,
But I’m not who I was.
Can anybody guess who said that? Anyone? Take a guess, then I’ll tell you.
You probably didn’t guess. The answer is Real Friends. It’s from their song “Late Nights in My Car.”
But I chose that quote because I believe it to be true in some sense.
I’m not where I should be…
I actually believe that I am where I should be right now, but I know I have a long way to go. I’m so young, and I’m not sure where I should eventually be. So, in that sense…not where I should be.
I’m not what I could be.
I know that the Lord has blessed me with some great potential. I just have to convince myself of it a ton, and also believe that He has a plan for me that is so great, I can’t fathom it. I have not clue what it is. Maybe it has something to do with where I am. But I don’t know. During my senior year, I knew I wasn’t what I could be. I felt like I hadn’t lived out my full potential, and I still feel that way. Hence why I relate to that line.
But I’m not who I was.
I am definitely not the person I was in high school, or the person I was when I started as a freshman in college, or even the person I was in my last few months of senior year. I’m constantly changing, so I am not who I was.
And I am not who I was in the fact that I have been saved from my past of being a broken sinner, destined for eternity in hell had it not been for the saving grace of Jesus Christ. His death on the Cross has washed my sins away, and allowed me to become a child of God. So in that way, I am not who I was.
I showed my sister’s Snapchat of my senior photo to my parents during my little sister’s volleyball game, and later on the drive home as we listened to “My Life” by Billy Joel, Pa relayed to me that he almost made some words to this song his senior quote, but chickened out. His quote was going to be…
I don’t need you to worry for me cause I’m alright
I don’t want you to tell me it’s time to come home.
I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life,
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone
He told me he wanted his senior quote to be that because he’s always been a person who goes against what everyone normally does. There’s always a group of people who go off and do the same things, and Pa didn’t want to be that person. And, of course, because he would want to go against the majority, he would get criticized for it.
But I admire Pa for being who he is, and wanting to live the life he wants to live even though other people aren’t too keen on it. I don’t want to say there’s anything wrong with doing the same things as other people, because hey, if that’s what you want to do, it’s your life, and that’s fine.
I feel like I talk about this subject W A Y too much when I’ve been writing these days, but it’s something that’s always on the forefront of my mind. And I want to be as vulnerable about it as possible because honestly, I wish I’d had more people in my life who were vulnerable about what life outside of school was really like. Then again, I also wished that I’d listened better.
So, I’m leaving the ball in your court to either read and listen, or just read what a young girl who is in it is telling you right now about the feelings of post-grad life.
This is my life, and I want to live it the way I want to live it, within the context of my Christian faith. I don’t want to have the pressures of anyone or anything stopping me from doing what I love. I also don’t want my personal fears and anxieties to hinder me from living my life fully. I want to live in the freedom I have in Christ, and pursue my passions without holding anything back. And right now, I’m doing the best that I can with what I have to be the person I want to be, and do the things I love.
In the words of Gavin DeGraw…
I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately.
All I have to do
Is think of me, and I have peace of mind.
I’m tired of looking ’round rooms
Wondering what I’ve got to do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me.
We can all thank One Tree Hill, and my friends Taylor and Pierce for finally convincing me to get into that show, and having this song stuck in my head at least once a week, maybe more. It also officially made the Fall 2016 playlist which, by the way, is now up on The Latest Jams tab on this blog. 😀
This has been a very musical post. Shall I share the songs I talked about at the end of this post? I think I just might…
And I wanna know too:
What are some lines from songs that have just described spot-on how you’ve been feeling recently? Why did those lyrics speak to you in such a way?