So, this is the title of a song by The Rocket Summer (OKAY, I’M SORRY FOR SO MANY REFERENCES TO THE ROCKET SUMMER BUT HE’S THE JAM SO). It will become relevant once I explain…
I figured I should start from the beginning; how this wall project of mine got started.
I actually planned the project before a certain event occurred. I wouldn’t even call it an “event”; it was just a lot of feelings being poured out.
It happened while I was writing the #JustStartResting series. Basically, one night, all the emotions that I’d been bottling up inside me from different difficult situations that had occurred over the course of several months were finally released.
One negative thought led me to questioning the goodness of the Lord, and brought me to a place of discontentment, anger, and hopelessness. I was not okay.
I sobbed for a very long time, trying to keep it quiet so my family couldn’t hear me from downstairs. With all of the feelings I was releasing, I just felt super alone, which is silly to say or feel because I just said that my family was downstairs. But I felt alone in my feelings; I was embarrassed for even crying so hard about what was going through my mind. So I stayed silent, even though I knew I shouldn’t.
Thankfully, my friend Taylor texted me just to ask how I was doing. And in a very long text, I expressed to her what was going on in my mind and in my heart.
I wrote about this a little in the #JustStartResting: Mentally and Emotionally post; about how it’s okay to feel, and it’s okay to express those feelings, just as long as you don’t stay there. Those thoughts were inspired by Taylor’s encouraging texts to me. Something she said to me that is also up on the wall, but I forgot to take a picture of it before I went out of town, is:
“All we can ever do is learn from pain. We can’t let it rule us.”
So, how does this relate to “Show Me Everything You Got”?
This song is about having the courage to release those feelings and emotions. To express them, and even share them with someone, instead of disappearing and bottling them up, thinking that it’s helping when it’s really just prolonging the time you should be using to heal and move past them.
It is scary and hard for me to release my emotions sometimes because, again, this is rooted in how people perceive me, and how I perceive myself.
For example: Let’s say people see me as strong, confident, and independent. If I notice that that is how they view me, I want to keep that appearance up because I’d like to believe that I’m those things. So, when i feel some type of way that is opposite of those things, or some other perceptions of me, I just tuck it away because “I shouldn’t be feeling or acting like that because that doesn’t align with those expectations. I’m supposed to be stronger than that.”
This song reminds me that I am human. I have feelings and emotions. I am weak, and that’s okay, because it causes me to find my strength elsewhere, mostly in my Savior Jesus Christ. And it also reminds me that, sometimes you have to let those emotions out to move on from things.
“Cause you gotta stop and show it, just so I know you know it.
Maybe just a little bit, oh come on admit it right now.
Cause I know that it won’t be over till it’s gone.
So let it be gone.
And show me everything you’ve got.
I know you’re scared,
But let your walls just drop.
You gotta take that step, and your heart, just let it pour out.”
So I put that card on my wall to remind me that, if something happens and makes me feel a certain emotion, it’s okay for me to feel that way and express that, even though it may contradict who I think I should be, or how other people perceive me. But, as Taylor said, we can’t let pain – or any emotion for that matter – rule us.
“After all these things, I’ve learned
bad things I do and don’t deserve
can easily just shape my life
or shape the way I start to die.
No, cause it’s up to me
if I dwell much longer than I should
and I’ll hold my tears for years thinkin’ it’s doing me good.
So just start right now, just make a vow, you’ll let your heart just sing it out. SING IT OUT!“
I will let my emotions out, allow that be part of the healing process, but once I’ve let it out, I can’t hold onto it. I have to seek the Lord to help me finish the healing process.