“lonely.”
It’s sad that I
Lie awake at night
And wonder why I can’t be
Good enough,
Pretty enough,
Enough
For anybody.
I don’t wanna be discontent and
Miss out on living life just because
I want somebody to share it with.
When I really think about it,
I’m truly blessed;
Sure, I’ve never dated anyone but
Maybe it’s better this way, so that
When the right one does come along,
He’s my first and only one.
Yes, I’ve endured heartbreak,
Betrayal,
Abandonment,
Being left to question
Why I’m not
Enough.
But maybe I’ve been spared much worse
Without knowing it.
So I’ll just keep waiting.
But living and
Growing and
Patiently waiting.
And reminding myself that
You’ll be worth it.
We’ll be worth it.
~ written January 16, 2017
***
I wrote the poem above because, honestly, I was all up in my feels. I felt lonely. Unwanted. Not enough.
Today, I was reading a chapter from Uninvited by Lysa TerKreust, and a major portion of it talked about being loved by God, and “living loved.” It’s tempting to see life as a “rat race,” to always want to be the fastest one out of everyone, whether that be within a career, with finances, relationships, etc.
The thought that Jesus is not participating in this race, but is calling me to just rest, dwell, and abide in His presence every day was like a breath of fresh air to me.
Lately, I’ve still be struggling with having a mindset that is set on the Lord as I go throughout my day. I’m learning to give myself grace on the days when I don’t spend time with Him because beating myself over missing out on that time isn’t going to help me any. But I still long to be filled with His grace and love because what the world has to offer just isn’t enough.
And I feel like one reason I’m struggling in this area, honestly, is because I’ve been way too focused on not having an earthly love that many people have been blessed to have. Recently, my social media has been blowing up with the news of recent engagements and marriages. Top that with a lot of people posting about their significant others. While I am happy for all of them, I can’t help but feel like I’m sometimes missing out on something because I’m single right now. And I know that I’m not; I know that I am exactly where I need to be right now, and that I’m able to do a lot of things as a single woman.
But I still can’t help but feel lonely sometimes. Hence why I wrote that poem above.
But after reading chapter three from Uninvited, it made me realize how much I crave “living loved.” How my longing to be with someone and to enough is rooted in a much deeper want, a want that can only be satisfied through the love of Jesus that “isn’t based on me, but is placed on me.”
I found the poem above on my phone, and after reading it, decided to write a response based off of what I read tonight…
“LOVED.”
I wrote this thinking that
I’ve never been loved
In the right way.
When every day,
I’m shown love by
Family and friends,
And True Love is shown through
Waking up every morning,
Being healthy,
Having the things I need,
Having many of the things I want,
And the list goes on.
Because love isn’t based on me and
How I live my life.
It isn’t based on
How I’m feeling,
What I’m doing,
Whether my days are
Good or bad,
Or
Who’s standing by my side.
It is based on the Truth that
God is LOVE,
And He is constantly calling me to
Rest
In His Love.
All the while I
Overlook it,
Brush past it,
Set it aside
To find a love that my flesh
Desires.
Doing this only
Leaves me
Disappointed and unsatisfied.
Revive me, O Lord.
Help me to be
Satisfied
with
Your Love
When things are good or hard,
When I’m alone or surrounded by others.
Replenish me with
Your Love
That I may
“Live Loved”
Day by day.
~ written January 18, 2017 in response to the poem written on January 16, 2017
#JustStartWriting
💙 Mishy 🦋
