who I am.

Clearly, the weekends aren’t the best for me, blogging-wise πŸ˜… And yesterday, I really had no excuse except I was just going through my day, getting things done like vacuuming my apartment, and doing laundry. But Happy Tuesday, back to the regular scheduled program!

Yesterday, I had this thought as I was going through one of those moments where I was overthinking and comparing myself…

I cannot afford to lose who I am.

For a while now, I feel like I’ve been way too caught up in what everyone is doing, how other people perceive me, how they think I should be going about my business, that I slowly have begun to lose my purpose behind what I love to do, and even my own personality, in a way. I know that overtime as we learn lessons and experience different things, we will change, but I feel like some of the core of who we are should be untouchable. And I’ve let so many things have access to my heart and mind that have allowed both to be tainted in ways that affect how I think about myself and the gifts/talents that I have.

You’d never guess it, though, because we base so much of how someone’s doing off of social media. And if you’ve seen my social media pages lately, they’d tell you I was doing great. And it’s not that I’m doing terrible either; just my spiritual, mental, and emotional parts of me have been really going through a metamorphosis, one that’s really had me questioning myself for a good minute now.

One major thing I would beat myself up about is being different. Everyone is different in some way, but I always felt like compared to my friends, those who I associate with in the creative community where I live, the stereotypical girls that rappers date (since my boyfriend is a rapper), etc. I just was missing the mark in so many ways. Part of me felt like I had to conform to ensure that my uniqueness wouldn’t drive the people I care about, or wanted to stay around me, away.

But how many times have I written in a poem, or told someone either through a text or to their face that they are unique, and that that is something they should hold onto? That they should cherish it because NO ONE in this ENTIRE WORLD is exactly like them? Yet, I look at myself in the mirror, and sometimes struggle to believe this when it comes to me.

This isn’t to say that we all don’t question ourselves from time to time, but there shouldn’t be this consistent and constant doubt about who we are, and who God made us to be. And we shouldn’t be spending our time trying to change who we are to fit a vibe, a personality, a style, or a trend when we were put here to be different, and to use that difference to make a difference in places where things could be better.

A part of this thought process for me was that I had to sit and really think about my motivations when it comes to writing, whether it be right here on the blog, my poetry affirmations on Instagram, even the statuses I write on Facebook and Twitter. Originally, my writing was for me, and for anyone who could resonate with it, or feel encouraged by it. Slowly, due to outer things coming into my spirit and my mental, I began to change my motives to being seen and heard like other poets and writers, and being well-known. It’s not a bad thing to want to be seen and heard, or to want to promote myself, but it shouldn’t be the driving force behind everything I write. I shouldn’t be upset if not many people saw something I wrote, I should just be grateful that SOMEBODY saw it and read it, and felt better after doing so.

It’s easy to write about things, and it’s harder to really live them out. I know that I can finish writing this, publish it, and then get off my laptop, and something can tempt me to start comparing myself again. It’s all a process, and it’s okay if it takes time. But I do challenge myself, and I challenge you: THRIVE in who you are, in your energy, in the things you love to do. Silence the outside voices and images that make you feel like where you are isn’t good enough. You are HERE, ALIVE! That is MORE THAN ENOUGH!

The end of this post sounds hella umm…not necessarily preachy, but you get what I’m saying. Do whatever you need to to remind yourself that you should keep your same energy! πŸ’―

Mishy πŸ¦‹πŸ§‘

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