I could feel it.
The rush, the eagerness, and even the desire to make this moment noteworthy and shareable. I was also kicking myself for not planning things better to fit this urge: my outfit, my poses, even a caption or reason for my craving to create.
I let the thoughts in, and then I let them pass. Because this here was beautiful as it was, and who was I to break the spell?
Because I’ve been so determined to stay organized with my brand content this year, I’ve found ways to turn simple walks or hangouts into a creative moment in order for me to sort of multitask. And while it can be smart to do, I find that I miss out on being present when I’m too busy planning on how things should go or look.
This past weekend was one of the most perfect weekends for me, as of recently. There were no major events that I had to perform in or attend, no girls’ nights or photoshoots. I got to spend a lot of time outside with my love as we walked through downtown, talking and just experiencing the beauty of the day. Yes, we did end up taking some pictures, but they weren’t for my brand; they were for memories’ sake. And while we were walking, I could feel myself wanting to break into “Mishy Writes” mode instead of staying in “Misheála” mode.
It honestly had my mind racing. I could feel myself trying to rush the process; rush to post some form of fresh content to keep things going on my pages. I’m really glad that I hesitated, and eventually, gave up on the idea, otherwise I would have been focusing on all the wrong things.
I don’t get it right every time though; I won’t sit here writing and pretending like I always choose to be in the present versus planning for content for the future. But I’m encouraged to know that I took this step to take my time this weekend. That I chose me over my brand because lately I’ve been choosing my brand over me, and while Mishy Writes is thriving, Misheála sometimes suffers for it.
I’m still learning! It isn’t easy, and I know maybe down the line I’ll make more decisions in favor of my brand over me, but I’m willing to keep trying to do what’s best for me, the person. Because that is truly who I am. That’s not to say that Mishy Writes is a facade, because it’s not. It just isn’t all of me. While I’m vulnerable in my brand, if you’re basing who I am fully off of it, then you really don’t know the full and true me. That me is reserved for those closest to me, those whom I trust with every ounce of me.
And I know that a big reason why I have acknowledged the Mishy Writes part of me more is because it seems there are more tangible or visible accomplishments there, or at least, those accomplishments seem to have more value. It’s that illusion that being productive in a creative persona or brand defines my worth, and here on the blog is the first time I’m writing to admit that I struggle with this mindset. Little miss motivational me is only able to be motivational because I’ve screwed up things, maybe more than once. Not to mention, it’s too easy sometimes to be all happy for social media, and then turn around and deal with your own daily crap.
I try to keep the Mishy Writes space positive in order to help keep me positive too. And sometimes it does help, and sometimes I’m, admittedly, going through the motions. I want to be better at being more vulnerable, because that’s what people can truly relate to.
I’m tired of living the fast-paced, branded life. I’m ready to keep making decisions that allow me to take my time, and to see the value in that time, and in myself.