I hope you’re happy…


Because honestly,

Quite honestly,

I am not.

And I haven’t been in a while.


Sure, there have been moments that have

given me a limited happiness.

I have smiled. I have laughed.

The light in my eyes has turned on so bright that the darkness couldn’t stand a chance.


But again…





Only recently,

My happiness was

Based upon you. And only


I didn’t realize what I had until it




Because of my mistakes,

My foolishness,

My desperate need to

Feel loved by

No one else but


I pushed you away.

Farther and farther you


Until I was no longer in your sight.

Even though you constantly

Filled my dreams,



you made my days.

you caused me pain.

you were both sunshine and rain

To me.

And I was stupid

So stupid,

To think you thought the same about



An ass I was,

And an ass you were

(at least in my mind)

Because I assumed too much,

Be it negative, positive,

In your favor or mine,

It didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered except for


And what I meant to



Even though I had dreams and passions and things to pursue,

Despite the fact that everyone thought I was independent and okay

And constantly seeking God…

There was always…


In the back of my mind. Always.

you never left me. Ever.

And it pained me because I knew,


I wasn’t thought of like that.

Not by you.


And in the process of pushing you away,

I pushed myself away too.

I lost me.

Who I was before you.

My independent ways of thinking,







Even though it seems like a tragedy,

Romantic love gone wrong,


Not what it’s “supposed to be,”

It’s okay.

Really. It is.

I lost myself because I had to.

Within me was a sense of pride,

A mindset of

People pleasing,

Optimism that outweighed the

Realism of it all


Quite honestly,

Had to be erased.


Taken from me.

So that I could see how

Reliant I had to be

On Someone other than


And other than me.


I lost myself to gain

A new me.


Yes, I still hurt.

I’m still learning,


Moving past,

Moving forward.

Trying to fit into

This new me that

The Lord is pushing me to be.


I don’t get it right all the time.

Sometimes I fail,


Step back,

Step away

Because a part of me still longs

To be with you

And near you.


But I see how selfish it was,

I was,

And sometimes still am

For thinking that way.

It wasn’t and isn’t fair

To you or

To me.


So maybe now,

It’s time to

Let go.




❤ Mishy

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