Because honestly,
Quite honestly,
I am not.
And I haven’t been in a while.
Sure, there have been moments that have
given me a limited happiness.
I have smiled. I have laughed.
The light in my eyes has turned on so bright that the darkness couldn’t stand a chance.
But again…
“Limited.”
Unfortunately,
Only recently,
My happiness was
Based upon you. And only
you.
I didn’t realize what I had until it
Was
Gone.
Because of my mistakes,
My foolishness,
My desperate need to
Feel loved by
No one else but
you,
I pushed you away.
Farther and farther you
Went.
Until I was no longer in your sight.
Even though you constantly
Filled my dreams,
Nightmares,
Fantasies.
you made my days.
you caused me pain.
you were both sunshine and rain
To me.
And I was stupid
So stupid,
To think you thought the same about
me.
An ass I was,
And an ass you were
(at least in my mind)
Because I assumed too much,
Be it negative, positive,
In your favor or mine,
It didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered except for
you.
And what I meant to
you.
Even though I had dreams and passions and things to pursue,
Despite the fact that everyone thought I was independent and okay
And constantly seeking God…
There was always…
you.
In the back of my mind. Always.
you never left me. Ever.
And it pained me because I knew,
I KNEW
I wasn’t thought of like that.
Not by you.
And in the process of pushing you away,
I pushed myself away too.
I lost me.
Who I was before you.
My independent ways of thinking,
Feeling,
Doing,
Loving.
Gone.
Even though it seems like a tragedy,
Romantic love gone wrong,
Twisted,
Not what it’s “supposed to be,”
It’s okay.
Really. It is.
I lost myself because I had to.
Within me was a sense of pride,
A mindset of
People pleasing,
Optimism that outweighed the
Realism of it all
That,
Quite honestly,
Had to be erased.
Demolished.
Taken from me.
So that I could see how
Reliant I had to be
On Someone other than
you.
And other than me.
I lost myself to gain
A new me.
Yes, I still hurt.
I’m still learning,
Growing,
Moving past,
Moving forward.
Trying to fit into
This new me that
The Lord is pushing me to be.
I don’t get it right all the time.
Sometimes I fail,
Shrink,
Step back,
Step away
Because a part of me still longs
To be with you
And near you.
But I see how selfish it was,
I was,
And sometimes still am
For thinking that way.
It wasn’t and isn’t fair
To you or
To me.
So maybe now,
It’s time to
Let go.
Finally.
#JustStartWriting
❤ Mishy