Because honestly,

Quite honestly,

I am not.

And I haven’t been in a while.

 

Sure, there have been moments that have

given me a limited happiness.

I have smiled. I have laughed.

The light in my eyes has turned on so bright that the darkness couldn’t stand a chance.

 

But again…

 

“Limited.”

 

Unfortunately,

Only recently,

My happiness was

Based upon you. And only

you.

I didn’t realize what I had until it

Was

Gone.

 

Because of my mistakes,

My foolishness,

My desperate need to

Feel loved by

No one else but

you,

I pushed you away.

Farther and farther you

Went.

Until I was no longer in your sight.

Even though you constantly

Filled my dreams,

Nightmares,

Fantasies.

you made my days.

you caused me pain.

you were both sunshine and rain

To me.

And I was stupid

So stupid,

To think you thought the same about

me.

 

An ass I was,

And an ass you were

(at least in my mind)

Because I assumed too much,

Be it negative, positive,

In your favor or mine,

It didn’t matter.

Nothing mattered except for

you.

And what I meant to

you.

 

Even though I had dreams and passions and things to pursue,

Despite the fact that everyone thought I was independent and okay

And constantly seeking God…

There was always…

you.

In the back of my mind. Always.

you never left me. Ever.

And it pained me because I knew,

I KNEW

I wasn’t thought of like that.

Not by you.

 

And in the process of pushing you away,

I pushed myself away too.

I lost me.

Who I was before you.

My independent ways of thinking,

Feeling,

Doing,

Loving.

 

Gone.

 

Even though it seems like a tragedy,

Romantic love gone wrong,

Twisted,

Not what it’s “supposed to be,”

It’s okay.

Really. It is.

I lost myself because I had to.

Within me was a sense of pride,

A mindset of

People pleasing,

Optimism that outweighed the

Realism of it all

That,

Quite honestly,

Had to be erased.

Demolished.

Taken from me.

So that I could see how

Reliant I had to be

On Someone other than

you.

And other than me.

 

I lost myself to gain

A new me.

 

Yes, I still hurt.

I’m still learning,

Growing,

Moving past,

Moving forward.

Trying to fit into

This new me that

The Lord is pushing me to be.

 

I don’t get it right all the time.

Sometimes I fail,

Shrink,

Step back,

Step away

Because a part of me still longs

To be with you

And near you.

 

But I see how selfish it was,

I was,

And sometimes still am

For thinking that way.

It wasn’t and isn’t fair

To you or

To me.

 

So maybe now,

It’s time to

Let go.

Finally.

 

#JustStartWriting

❤ Mishy