“Crazy Faith”

I know that despite me encouraging you to hold onto hope,
My own faith isn’t always the greatest.
There can be such a lack of it in my life, yes, sometimes,
I’m the father in Mark 9, who asked for his son’s healing from Jesus with the words
“If You can…”
And when I begin to think like this, I think back to the time my father told me
That my sister and I prayed for certain colors of gum in a gumball machine.
And with childlike faith, we shut our eyes
And believed.
And would you believe that we each got the color we wanted?
My little mind was so wrapped around the joy of receiving my desire that I couldn’t understand the true faith it took in that moment.
People these days don’t pray for little things like that because they don’t believe they’re that important, but
In that moment, God revealed how important I was to Him.
How it mattered how much faith I had in Who He was and is, and
What He could and can still do
And now, as an adult,
I’m throwing my arms out, hopefully grasping for the faith I once had as a child,
Not that I haven’t grown at all,
But once some parts of life are lived, once you’ve been
Exposed to certain things, experienced other things,
Your faith can start to waver and dwindle, it’ll
Get pushed into the back of your mind, crammed behind all the “adulting” things this world says are priorities.
Because no one has time to worry about getting your favorite color of gum from a gumball machine, no,
It’s about money and bills, a place to live, a vehicle,
Taking vacation, self-care, me-time,
But where in the world did my faith go?
Where can it fit in all this?
The truth is, it must cover over all those areas,
It is not meant to be squeezed into the crevices created by the stuff of your life taking up all the space,
It is meant to be the space in which all that stuff is placed.
It is to be the basis on which everything is planted and will
Eventually take root.
It is where we replace the “If You can,” that sits on the tip of our tongues in our prayers with the words:
“If it is in Your Will, I have faith that You will do it. For you are the God who cares for me and all the things that occur in my life, despite
So many major happenings going on around me,
You don’t hesitate to take time to breathe on me, yes,
I have faith that You are here,
That you hear me,
And that You will move in Your timing.”
Yes, that is the faith I am striving to possess
Every day; not just on the good, easy days, or
When things are going my way, but
Even in the struggle, in the pain,
In the wandering through the wilderness, through the
Squinting of eyes trying to see the Truth amidst all the lies.
I want to
Believe even when it seems the stakes are way too low for my hopes to happen,
Even when the people around me are quick to draw doubt into their bows, and aim them at my situation,
Firing them one after the other,
Even if the circumstance seems impossible to the world,
Nothing is impossible with God.
Yes…I’m praying and working towards having crazy faith.

Mishy 🦋🖤

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