Another small break from the Postcard Prose series. I know a series is supposed to include consecutive pieces on the same topic or subject, but sometimes life and the choices you make just don’t allow for it to happen.
So, I’m going to write very quickly on some things that have been on my heart lately.
Mishy, Are You Okay?
Yes, I am okay. When people ask me this question, I always say, “yes,” not to put up this facade that nothing is ever wrong with me, but because over all, I am okay. Sure, I may be busy. Sure, there are a lot of things on my mind, lots of decisions to make, and prioritizing I need to do. But (and I feel like I’ve written this to you all before) I am not sick. I am not going through an extremely difficult time. Praise the Lord, the troubles I have really aren’t that major; just every day struggles of being an adult who is trying to pay the bills and still do what I love.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t hard days because, I promise you, there are. And I am tempted to put up a facade sometimes, and say I’m okay when I’m not. I do want to admit that I do struggle; nothing is easy.
I’ve had two people recently ask me if I’m okay, and while my overall answer has been yes, I also explained the things on my mind…
I feel like this is a constant chapter in my adult life. I’m always prioritizing and re-prioritizing my life. And it’s hard, because just when I feel like I’ve got a good schedule or routine going, I realize that I haven’t prioritized in the best way, and I’m back to Square 1.
First and foremost, I’ve been praying that the Lord would continue to mold me into the person He wants me to be. Because I don’t want to just be comfortable in my faith; I long to grow and learn from Him. I want to have that child-like faith; I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind at all times, and I have just been super convicted that I haven’t been living my life for Him, and have been distracted by a lot of other things.
Which brings me to the second thing: social media. I’ve been “teased,” and actually been seriously told more than once, that I’m on my phone way too much. For years, I’ve brushed off the comments, defended myself, tried to make excuses as to why this is such a problem for me. And recently, when I was told again about 2-3 times that I was on my phone a lot, I was super convicted.
Is that really what people think of me? Is that how they view me?
So, I’ve been diving into that problem within me. Honestly, that was hard to type to you, but I need to admit it – I have such a problem with being so connected to everyone online, and I’m afraid I’ve missed so much around me because of it. I have “FOMO” (fear of missing out, to those who don’t know) when it comes to things happening online; if one of my favorite artists dropped a new single, I want to know about it! If one of my favorite writers is doing a contest for a free book, I want to be the first to know so I can enter before it’s too late. Clearly, I have a problem.
I’ve taken steps to really cut myself back from the phone usage – turning off the social media notifications, and not being on social media at all on Sundays. Putting my phone on silent, and burying it beneath my bag. Putting it inside my wallet when I’m hanging out with friends, especially if there’s some deep conversation happening. If these prove to not help, I’m determined to try other ways. Because I’m tired of being that person missing out on real life, but being up-to-date on things outside of the realm of my personal world.
And lately on social media anyway, there’s just been some slight negativity that’s been affecting me, causing my heart to ache. None of the negative things are about or toward me, but it’s draining and sad to see how the tearing down of others, or the sadistic nature of people’s thoughts can be. I feel like opening myself up to that has made me vulnerable to do the same – to talk bad about people, to be more pessimistic, to be distant in a bad way rather than a healing way.
These things are only scratching the surface of what’s been going on in my heart, mind, and life. I haven’t even touched the matters of balancing having a social life/doing the things I love with the people I love, and focusing on my writing – what I feel called to do. And trying to fit in my health (physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional).
I talked to Pa (my stepdad) about this all tonight, and he made a good point – all of these things are good problems to have (first-world problems, as he put it). I have a lot of good things going on in my life, better than real problems other people are having, and I am grateful that the Lord has blessed me with problems such as these. I don’t want to discount them as struggles, but I do want to acknowledge that these are not terrible things.
And I’m grateful because, through all of this, I am learning to be less dependent on myself to get things done, and more dependent on my God to just teach me and show me that He is good – even if I can’t finish it all on time, even if I have to say “no” to something, even if I feel exhausted beyond belief – He is GOOD.
I had someone ask me if I was okay tonight. I don’t know her personally, but through my friend Silas and his music, I’ve been able to message her, and get to know her a little.
And I told her a little about what was going on. She told me she felt like I was distant lately, and since our communication is via social media, I told her about me trying to separate more from social media.
It meant a lot to me, though, that she was brave and willing to ask me that question: “Are you okay?” People ask that all the time; it’s one of those typical conversation openers, whether it be face-to-face, texting, or on social media; but in the current season I’m in right now, that question really helps me.
Having someone ask me aloud, or even through text if I am okay makes me stop and really process and think through whether I am really okay. I answer that question with honesty, because I know answering that question honestly is a good step towards making the changes I need to make, or keeping the things I need to keep.
So, I am overall grateful – for the Lord placing in my heart this want to strive to be more like Him. For those people and their snarky and serious comments about me being on my phone too much. For the people on social media who helped me realize that to have my head all in that world isn’t all that great all the time. For people like my stepdad who support me, and remind me of the great place I actually am in. And for the girl who asked me if I was okay tonight.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Forward I go!
💙 Mishy 🦋